Last Day

Poem by anonymous

Wake up, shower, meds

feel fake

eat breakfast, drive sister to school

already sad, why?

park in school lot, try to not think

feel like crying, stop.

Put on a brave face, somehow make it to class

no one knows, no one cares

Hide my thoughts because that’s what I do

can’t work, can’t explain why, I’m sorry.

 

Endless learning, be it in my head or in the books

learn about myself, well, what I tell myself

I don’t mean to be rude, I just can’t think of anything–

anything else, I’m thinking though.

So many acquaintances, they don’t know

I won’t tell them, my fault, my fault, my fault.

Wonder about what they think of me

they don’t, invisible, unneeded.

Try and explain to my mind it’s wrong

how can I be right and wrong at the same time?

 

Get home, hazily walk to my room

why are you here, lazy

Try and relax, where’s mom?

she doesn’t care either, no one does

Listen to music to drown out my thoughts

you can’t stop it, it’ll be here forever

I fantasize about being happy

you don’t deserve it

I day-dream about finding a purpose

I don’t deserve it

 

Mom comes to talk to me

she’s disappointed

It’s my grades, they’re shit

like always

She doesn’t understand

you’re explaining it wrong

I can’t explain

stop crying, stop crying, stop thinking

I need to run, I can’t take it

no one cares

Run, and run, and run.

where are you going?

I don’t know, away, far away

If no one talks to you on this run

Keep running.

Kill yourself.

Reach bridge

Look at that water, won’t that feel good?

Look out over the edge, think, cry, listen.

Stop crying and jump

 

I turn around, see an old woman.

My hope argues with my mind

Yes, yes, no.

Remember all my mistakes

every day feels like years, feels like decades

Think of all the possibilities

I want to be happy again

She disappears back into my head

My mind fights for my life

What do I want?

 

I sit there for hours, days, years.

I cry more than I knew I had

I think harder than I knew I could

I ponder why I fight

I don’t know, I don’t care

But I realize, I do care

I want to be here for my family

I want to live the life I was given

A step away from death

and I understand.

 

I turn to see the world

it flows through my eyes

beats back the tempest of my thoughts

rips the scaffolding of hate from my cluttered head

sets free the golden memories of happiness

unleashes my emotions, so long locked away.

The world welcomes me into its arms

I take its hand and leave the river

much more intact, filled with understanding

on my last day.