Poem by anonymous
Wake up, shower, meds
eat breakfast, drive sister to school
already sad, why?
park in school lot, try to not think
feel like crying, stop.
Put on a brave face, somehow make it to class
no one knows, no one cares
Hide my thoughts because that’s what I do
can’t work, can’t explain why, I’m sorry.
Endless learning, be it in my head or in the books
learn about myself, well, what I tell myself
I don’t mean to be rude, I just can’t think of anything–
anything else, I’m thinking though.
So many acquaintances, they don’t know
I won’t tell them, my fault, my fault, my fault.
Wonder about what they think of me
they don’t, invisible, unneeded.
Try and explain to my mind it’s wrong
how can I be right and wrong at the same time?
Get home, hazily walk to my room
why are you here, lazy
Try and relax, where’s mom?
she doesn’t care either, no one does
Listen to music to drown out my thoughts
you can’t stop it, it’ll be here forever
I fantasize about being happy
you don’t deserve it
I day-dream about finding a purpose
I don’t deserve it
Mom comes to talk to me
It’s my grades, they’re shit
She doesn’t understand
you’re explaining it wrong
I can’t explain
stop crying, stop crying, stop thinking
I need to run, I can’t take it
no one cares
Run, and run, and run.
where are you going?
I don’t know, away, far away
If no one talks to you on this run
Look at that water, won’t that feel good?
Look out over the edge, think, cry, listen.
Stop crying and jump
I turn around, see an old woman.
My hope argues with my mind
Yes, yes, no.
Remember all my mistakes
every day feels like years, feels like decades
Think of all the possibilities
I want to be happy again
She disappears back into my head
My mind fights for my life
What do I want?
I sit there for hours, days, years.
I cry more than I knew I had
I think harder than I knew I could
I ponder why I fight
I don’t know, I don’t care
But I realize, I do care
I want to be here for my family
I want to live the life I was given
A step away from death
and I understand.
I turn to see the world
it flows through my eyes
beats back the tempest of my thoughts
rips the scaffolding of hate from my cluttered head
sets free the golden memories of happiness
unleashes my emotions, so long locked away.
The world welcomes me into its arms
I take its hand and leave the river
much more intact, filled with understanding
on my last day.